she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
