I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
