The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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