im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
