my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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