O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
