You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
