help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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