My balls are so social today.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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