For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I smell like Dick and happiness
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
