Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
