I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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