Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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