yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
