new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
