Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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