she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm having to shit out rocks
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
