Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
