his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
