Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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