I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
