i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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