Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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