That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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