chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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