she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
