Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
