I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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