just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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