genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
