Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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