I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
