youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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