you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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