So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
false alarm. still invincible.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
