Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
