i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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