Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize