I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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