No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
