neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You left your phone here
Wait...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize