Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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