So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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