Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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