Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
