dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
