God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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