I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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