So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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