so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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