how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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