wakey wakey hands off snakey
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
