Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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