i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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