Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
