I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
