Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
