I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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