So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
