I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize