I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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