i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
