I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
