Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
