when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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