There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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