I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
