I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
